Social discomfort is so global that social psychologists like me have made functions of her studies. We can find it almost anywhere, such as in Salary negotiations or Small talk conversations That has a lot of embarrassing stops.
Almost everyone will find themselves at some point The interaction that makes them feel uncomfortable. At work, these cases come daily. We make and take notes, manage the dynamics of the team, and transfer the differences in the situation.
Most of us take a simple approach to suppressing discomfort: we smile with the best we can, laugh (even when there is nothing funny), and we bow down to persuade people: There is no concern here. This interaction will be positive. I’m cute.
maybe also Cute – good?
The problem of being very nice
There is a sad paradox here: the more difficult we try to use kindness to cover up to disturb us, the more people who can see it through us.
Humans are good at CaptureWhich leaks through our non -verbal behaviors, such as sound tone. We believe that we are doing a good job to hide anxiety through the layers on the compliments, but when these compliments are delivered through artificial smiles, no one bought it.
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Often, we organize our discomfort by providing general comments, they are not useful. Think about classic, “Great Work!” In many cases, not acquired as well.
Positive comments excessively indicate that you do not care – and you may not be, if you are very busy trying to organize yourself. Over time, the person on the recipient becomes confident in you. They need Specific information that would actually help them improve their work.
What to do instead
Many people work in environments where excessive gentle is the base. Here are three things that you can do to change this culture to those in which sincere and useful reactions are estimated instead.
1. Question “Culture of kindness”
Ask yourself: Does every person around me enjoy this kind culture, or do they do that because everyone else does that?
Social standards are a large driver for behaviors, and the fastest new arrivals adopt these standards, whenever they are seen as “appropriate”. If the newcomer notices every person who lies on compliments after a sub -show, they will do the same.
If no one is explicitly questioning this behavior, then the result is what social psychologists call “pluralistic ignorance”: everyone assumes that everyone else participates in very nice comments because they want it. But secretly, no one loves her.
Start a conversation About change. Learn what people really feel about the gentle culture. One way to do this is by proposing alternatives.
Before the following presentation, for example, you may ask people: “How will you feel if we write three specific things that you can improve and three specific things you must definitely keep at the end of the presentation?”
2. Be accurate and especially
It is natural for us to conclude behaviors to form impressions and make assumptions. For example, we may decide that a lazy chronic person is late. But impressions are often very general that they are not useful, even if they are positive.
Seeking specific behaviors instead. The more specifically the problem leads – that the presentation that had a lot of terms, for example, instead of “boring” – the more useful the comments.
the The same applies to praise. If you tell someone exactly what he did well or why their work was excellent, you will come more honest and your notes will be more useful.
Removing wide generalizations from the equation has an additional benefit of reducing the threat to a person at the recipient, especially if these comments are very important.
3. If you are new to this, start small and neutral
You can feel as if she jumps from the abyss, moving from a very gentle reactions to a sincere group.
Start small. Choose worldly problems, but people are still interested in them, like what should be stored in the office kitchen. Nothing will boil the blood of anyone. The goal is Building reactions Muscle. In this way, as soon as you jump into the tougher things, the standards about honesty already began to change.
While changing the culture around you, be patient. The criteria take a long time to form it, and a long time to change.
Tessa West He is a social psychologist and professor at New York University. For years, she has used to take advantage of science to help people resolve personal conflicts in the workplace. It is a author.Jazzat at work: Samon’s co -workers and what they do about themAnd “and”Job treatment: finding a job that suits youShe is a coach in the CNBC online course How to change professions and be happier at work.
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